What do I do.. I’ve been crying non stop for the past couple weeks too much, ignoring everything and everyone. Why? I honestly don’t know. I’m suppose to be happy go lucky. Everyone’s telling me I could be stronger, and shit. But no, I really can’t. I NEED someone to be there for me. No not a friend, but something more than that. I’m suppose to be “smarter”, right? So why can’t I get myself to do this. I don’t get it. I’m scared of you. Yes, literally scared of you. Scared of what you might do, act, think and even say. I try to do EVERYTHING to make you happy, but it seems like it’s never enough. I think I’ve been driving everyone insane, including myself. But I’m sorry guys. I can’t help it. I need to stop making excuses for you. For myself. For the way things are. I’m obviously in denial. Denying what? Lmao, I really don’t know. Fuck. What to do. What to do. I can’t let you go ‘cause for the obvious fact that I’m not strong enough to. But I don’t think I can handle this hurt much longer. & it hurts to know that you possibly just don’t give a damn. Why am I stuck on one person so badly? ‘Cause I love the dude? Never knew love hurt this much. I don’t think I deserve all this, do I? I never did anything wrong to him. I try to do everything in his best interest. I gave up my Isaac Stanley Program for him, and I’m not even going on vacation anymore. I don’t fucking get what I did to deserve all of this. I always take the blame, when it’s obvious to both of us, that it’s not my fault. I try to fix things from the load of shit we try to ignore. I’m trying to change myself for the better of everything. But it never works out. As stupid as this sounds, I need affection to live. Yeah. I’m that superficial. There are rare moments in life, when I find myself smiling at the fact that I might be okay without you. But then, the flashbacks and memories come fluttering back. Then slowly the tears come. And they never stop. And I think to myself, “Am I really that desperate for love?” & the sad part is, the answer is yes. I hate it when you put me to the side as if I’m nothing. I hate it you blame everything on me. I hate when you take everything out on me. I hate it how you barely have time to talk to me lately. I hate it when you ignore me. I hate it when you lie to me. I’m not that stupid. I hate when you flirt with others. I hate it when you take me for granted. I hate how you make it seem like you don’t care. I hate it when you do things that makes me trust you less. I hate it when you tell me to simply leave, as if you don’t care if I’m here or not. & the fucking fact that you wouldn’t do anything if I left you, doesn’t help either. Why did all this have to happen? Why… I’ve been told that I’m too good for you. I don’t agree for some reason though. I don’t get why we fight so much. We’re both hard headed, and stubborn. So? Others are too, but they get through it. I missed the days where the only thing we fought about was who’s going to bed first. I find it funny how you used to tell me that you get worried about me leaving you. I could never. Ever. I just need to know you love me, care about me, and will be there for me when I need you. I’ve grown so accustomed to talking to you every morning, and every night, and almost every minute in between. I just don’t imagine my days without talking to you anymore. You probably don’t feel the same way about me. Maybe you do. I don’t know. I just want things back to the way they were. I miss you. I honestly do..